It’s the natural order of the universe for things to become disordered and chaotic. Chemistry and Physics call it entropy… for me the definition plays out around me.
When I reflect on my life and the relationships I made, I always had these expectations. Reciprocality, enjoyment, loyalty… intimacy. For me I enjoyed being close to other people. I had best friends growing up, and I would be elated when my parents would let them come over. We did what kids would do, wrestle with each other and see who was strongest. I was the smallest so I would lose most of the time, but when I won, damn did it feel good. We played video games. We shared secrets about who we had crushes on and who we liked, when at the very time those words were experientially being defined for us. We were best friends… at least from my perspective. Sadly, time and distance did its thing, and we all grew apart headed in different directions, different schools…
The people closest to me 8 years ago, 4 years ago, 2 years ago are no longer close. We used to be so intimate. Betrayal, narcissism, delusion separated us. Intimacy couldn’t escape the hands of the universe and humanity, and it too deteriorated. We got close and comfortable so fast, but choices were made that brought us further and further apart. I wanted so badly to love properly, to love and to be loved. To be close to someone…
I wanted the relationship to work desperately. And no matter how hard I tried to keep things together I couldn’t do it from within me. And just as quickly we got close, we grew apart, no longer talking. However, the yearning of intimacy still remained…
But that’s when I found Christ. The cry of my heart fulfilled through him. All the expectations met and exceeded.
But things of the past are hard to forget. The hurt that I caused and the pain that I felt from such irresponsible intimacy is a fear I’m helpless under. The idea of hurting another person I care about freaks me out. Truth is I would rather avoid being in that situation all together than hurt someone so deeply again… but pain is unavoidable when it comes to people you really care about. The one difference from the past is that now I know Christ is the one in control. But I can’t help think… free will is so overrated.
For most of my life I lived on ideals. I wanted to live a dream. Happy, healthy, comfortable but yet full of anticipation of what the future may hold. I wanted a wife who would love me and adore me, the romantic kind where the fire would never die and we would still be in love with each other in old age. I wanted respect and prestige and love from the people around me. I wanted loyalty and best friends that would be by my side through it all no matter where our paths took us. That’s the thing about ideals though — it’s just a dream.
When you leave the world of ideals and enter the world of truth, you see how broken the world is. The dreams of a dreamer disappear and all that is left is the harshness of reality. And the first cut you feel is the one that is staring right back at you in the mirror. You need to believe in something because everything that you once thought you knew failed you. You’re lost. So you search. Search for ways to satisfy that deep void that was left when the world abandoned you. When you meet Jesus the wants slowly fade and the needs are illuminated.
My desires of that perfect life, that comfortable life seems so distant now. In searching for my need, I lost my girlfriend, I lost my closest friends, I lost my family, I lost my motivation in medicine, I lost myself. I lost that comfortable life that I always wanted. The once familiar faces gone and replaced with new faces. The memories no longer talked about because the ones they were with are no longer here.
When I found Jesus I found my need. All my desires were pointing to a greater and deeper longing of my soul. I look at my life now and nothing makes sense in terms of what I wanted. I wanted comfort. I wanted an easy life. But the needs in my life took over. I needed to get my shit together, needed to be loved, needed to be confronted. I needed Christ.
He’s the redemption to this world, to this story, to my story. He’s the good news that turns my bitter story sweet. He saved me and he is still saving me… I reached a point where I realize my life will never be ideal and there will always be heartache but Christ gives me joy and the capacity to smile through the pain…
What do you write here??
